the first thing that allowed my strained relationships to blossom into healthy partnerships was by setting boundaries. setting boundaries and learning self-trust can be stressful and scary, especially if you are a people pleaser like i was. when you set boundaries, not everyone is going to be hip to it and it could seriously disrupt some relationships and end others. when you set boundaries you may loose friends, but when you do not set boundaries you will loose yourself. and if you have to loose yourself in order to keep friends, are those your friends? without boundaries i cannot see my full value. nevertheless, here are the steps that i took in order to honor myself and save my relationships.
share your truth
when i first started making renovations within my friendships, i initially just wanted to cut off everyone because i was so fucking mad. but then i realized that doing so would just perpetuate the issue that got us here to begin with. i had to share my truth, and stand in it. i also had to take responsibility for the role that i played in allowing for things to get to the breaking point that they did, and this added a bit more room for my relationships to endure, as long as the other was willing to adjust to the changes i was making.
often times i would be afraid that my insecurities were interpreting reality and that what i felt was wrong, and sometimes that is true, but what is also true is that everyone is human and everyone has an ego and flaws and therefore there is a high probability that what you are feeling IS in fact, the fucking truth.
a risky factor in sharing your truth is that if you stand firmly by it you are inviting conflict into your life and you might watch a friend or a lover walk out of your life. this means that a major part of sharing your truth means that you need to have cultivated your own source of joy.
own your personal space
i am a VERY independent person. a true scorpio. i have always been since i was very, very young. my mom told me from a young age that my message to her was ‘i’ll let you know when i need you, but until then just assume that i got this’.
even so i learned recently that my present joy was being upheld by artificial high’s awaiting to be achieved in the future. my ability to be content and emotionally stable while alone, was sustained by an illusion.
let me elaborate. not only am i firefly independent but i am also achievement driven. i’ve always been since a very young age and as i am growing into a full blown adult woman i have become a very ambitious relentlessly-chases-her-goals type of individual. so much so that i am approaching the end of my bucket list. crazy right? i’m 26 and at the end of my bucket list, right now. but as i approach its end, i approach it slightly disillusioned.
the high that i was chasing, it was not at the top of the man made latter that i created. there is this song by an underground rapper who’s name that i losses me at the moment. but basically in the song he tells the story of a man who creates a man made ladder, climbs up to the top of it and once he finally reaches the top he hangs himself. you know, i wouldn’t say that my disillusionment was that great. to be sure, chasing my goals has created a greater capacity within me for fulfillment, self-confidence and has increased the overall richness and fullness of my life and perspective of it. but the thing i was really searching for to complete me was purpose. that’s the completion cap i was searching for. after finally living in my identity and being who God created me to be, the last thing—the cap—i needed was the sentiment of the quote ‘you don’t need to find your purpose, you just need to live life purposefully’. for me it was, “live in your purpose and then live life purposefully”.
it is when we really press into those hard, subtle and subconscious questions such as ‘how do i live purposeful life’, answer them for ourselves and then live our lives within those self-answered questions that we find completion.
when we trust ourselves enough to give and follow our own advise, that’s when we’ve arrived. we look for advise from and admire so many people that we don’t even know, yet why worship them when we can worship the God that created them? and even then, we come from the same source of magic, we’ve got the same father, what would he give to them that we would perceive that he has withheld from us? what answers have they got that we do not have the capacity to find for ourselves.
everything we need is in God who lives in us. we have to trust ourselves enough to create a life that’s worth living, and to know that no matter who comes in and out of our lives that we will be just fine.
if you don’t like to be alone, you’ll put up with virtually anything in order to not be in your own company. if you have not found your own source of joy, you will tolerate bad company because anything is better than being with yourself.
Jesus and the Buddha wrestled in the wilderness alone for YEARS, while trying to understand the condition of their hearts. learning how to be alone can be taxing and very hard, but to avoid it is simply prolonging the inevitable. there are certain ailments that we merely cannot see and we have to experience pain in order to fully reach their root. but work with what you’ve got, find your center based on who you are now, and as long as you pursue the truth it will send you what ever you need to find your center.
its important to always have a why and a reason for what we do in life. it’s important to know the purpose and reasoning of your relationships. my reasons are for mutual emotional support, for laughter, good times and shared memories. it is equally important to know your bottom lines, which boundaries cannot be crossed in order for the relationship to be maintained. for me my bottom lines are 1. do not tell my secrets 2. do not make me uncomfortable for making my own choices that you may or may not agree with 3. be kind and supportive 4. have integrity 5. do not try and change who i am. i like to drop f bombs and my spirituality is constantly evolving. if that over steps your boundaries then you already know what to do, but if you choose to stay in relationship with me, accept me as is.
these are my five pillars of trust. if i can’t trust you then we can not be friends.
that’s all folks