it’s fall, and nature is teaching us how to surrender and allow old belief systems and personal narratives to slowly fall from the limbs of our minds, and to not resist this moment of transition and instead to embrace it and be grateful for it while confidently awaiting the newness and healing that spring soon will bring.
many find it challenging to maintain a joyful outlook in the fall season and commonly slip into a state of depression. for many of us the fall season can bring about a time of reflecting on relationships from the past that were unsuccessful and left us heartbroken.
I have experienced quite a few heartbreaks within romantic relationships, but what i’ve learned is that to be heartbroken is all encompassing:
we are either totally heartbroken or we are totally grateful.
if you consider yourself currently broken hearted because of the demise of a relationship, chances are you were heartbroken way before this relationship began. chances are you were heartbroken before you even began your first serious romantic relationship.
maybe your like i used to be and you:
-have a history of broken relationships
-feel like maybe you have a curse because all of your relationships end in tragedy.
-often feel powerless to the person that you love and that they hold all of the power to whether you get to have your love story or not.
-feel you have been the victim of bad partners and their bad behavior
it doesn’t have to be like this. this does not have to be your normal. below are a few reasons why you may find yourself in the above mindset and subsequently in relationships that end in tragedy. it truly all begins with self-love and i know that is somewhat of an ethereal term so below i will outline exactly what i mean:
number one: you get what you expect. you expect negativity because you need to be a victim. to combat this, increase your self-esteem by becoming a victor with their own identity, their own abundance, their own opinions, their own fun, their own dreams, friends and their own wholeness, and then begin to expect positive results because you believe you are worthy of them. you get what you expect. not on an external level but on an internal level which means a complete perspective shift must take place in order for your expectations to change.
we attract into our lives experiences and people that reflect our beliefs about ourselves. we attract whatever we need to pass our current level that will bring us into awareness of our divinity. whatever beliefs you hold about yourself, that’s what you will find in your life. if you believe that love is something to be earned. if you believe that you need to fix something you perceive to be wrong with yourself to deserve love, if you believe you need to change something about who you are for love, that’s the type of partner you will attract. that’s why it truly is about self-love, and we love ourselves by aligning ourselves with God. then, when someone who embodies the ‘rat race dating mentality’ approaches you and shows interest, their energy will turn you off because it is not compatible with yours. you don’t need to fix anything about who you are to deserve love, you just need someone who’s ready to communicate and figure shit out. someone who’s ready to lay aside a false sense of self-righteousness. but once you believe that, once you understand that you are not ‘fundamentally wrong’ that’s what you’ll find in your life: people and experiences that reflect that belief
sometimes we meet someone who is crazy about us and we think its funny. maybe we even get an ego stroke like their attention means that we’re all that. their passion about who we are turns us off. why? because their messaging is incompatible with ours. their messaging says ‘you are wonderful and you don’t need to work for my love’ and our messaging is the opposite. their interest in us makes us laugh because we feel like we don’t deserve it ‘bahahaha, you’re crazy about me?? why??” we get an ego stroke from them because the self-love wasn’t even there to begin with. if it were, them being crazy about us would not be a surprise. when we develop self-loving thoughts towards ourselves we will attract the same type of partner.
also, stop being a victim and start taking responsibility for your own joy and happiness.
finding a joy and a happiness that are independent of any circumstance is the realest struggle i have ever undergone and it requires a fucking full on fight! With your ‘normal’, with your beliefs. it is possible though. i would suggest starting with a gratitude journal. for forty days write forty things you are grateful for. i know that during the onset of a broken heart, writing shit that your grateful for can feel a bit daunting but here’s the thing: you might not notice it but you’re healing and getting better. i remember when i started my gratitude and self-affirmation practice. i was 28 days in and took a seven day break and that’s when i realized how much i had progressed; after i began to digress.
another thing: when you are a victim in your mind, everything around you accommodates this belief; if you are a victim then everything around you must become a villain which makes it not so fun to be around you. it can be hard to realize this but yeah, that’s what you’re doing.
number two: figure yourself out. there is so much more to a romantic relationships than love. love just simply is not enough. as human beings, we are all created BY love itself. therefore, the fabric of what we are is love. this is why so many of us have found ourselves in love with many different people, and each experience of love is legitimate. this is why men fall in love with men; they are both made of love. this is why women fall in love with women; they are both made of love. this is why men and women fall in love; they are both created by love itself. this is why two people whose personality traits and emotional predisposition are directly opposed to one another fall in love; they are both created by love. nevertheless; there are so many emotional possibilities out there. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone, love+compatibility however, are. but you cant know what type of lover and lifestyle you want until you discover that for yourself and figure yourself out.
so many people marry young out of the pressure to receive validation from society, without having done any internal work or without taking on any life experience. because of this, many of these marriages begin before the age of 25, each of them begin to discover more about who they are in their later 20’s and 30’s and what they want out of life, and then a divorce happens in their 40’s and/or fifties. divorce happens and it happens to everybody. it is not discriminate of your race, religion or socio-economic status. therefore it is crucial to be very conservative in your choice of a life partner. compatibility equals the same. i know and have experienced the whole ‘opposites attract’ in romantic relationships but that shit gets old and eventually creates conflict. an enduring bond is one where both people are on the same page in terms of what they want out of life and what type of lifestyle they want and they are emotionally similar and compatible. love is not enough.
number three: deal with your baggage. whoever you need to be to yourself before you meet the love of your life, you will still need to be that person afterwards. a lover comes into our lives as a request from our own spirit for realizing freedom. every person we encounter is a learning experience. many times people get married multiple times because they needed that marriage to see freedom through. the trick is to learn the lesson the first time it pursues you so that you don’t have to learn it over and over again. get a journal and write anything that comes into your mind. write three pages worth and unload your mind. go back into your childhood and articulate all of those micro-aggressions that trigger your wounds in social situations. then develop practical ways to cater and nurture those wounds. don’t let the sole purpose of your relationships be for you to heal, because you were unwilling to heal yourself. your relationships should be fun and emotionally supportive. take care of yourself on your own and then find someone who’s funny, hot and fun to be around and make out with. keep it simple.
a relationship is not the place to search for validation, to search for the permission to be who you are, for constant assurance, an emotional crutch or any of that shit. you do that for your damn self. save yourself the additional baggage and handle that on your own. its hard to do it by yourself but trust that its even harder in the company of an equally internally broken other.
heartbreak is all encompassing. you’re either always heartbroken or you’re always grateful. i know from personal experience how hurtful it can be that you still haven’t gotten to be in a relationship with someone that you really love and it looks like everyone around you does. but honestly truly, if were grateful then were thankful for the lessons that our lovers taught us, and we are grateful for the opportunity to heal and we are grateful that we get to be with someone who is perfect for us in the future.