aspiring to evolve out of pain—especially when you’ve experienced utter devastation more than once—is initially very appealing. This idea that we can evolve perfectly, that we can respond perfectly in any given instance, instead of being emotional or ‘imperfect’ at times. The notion that we should have this ability to smile and wave goodbye, in peace, at someone we loved deeply, despite not getting the relational outcome you wished for—if we only were perfect enough; perfectly ‘enough’.
just a few weeks ago i got my hopes up about something that momentarily let me down. in that moment i had a thought ‘i have to find a way to never feel this pain of disappointment ever again’
where does pain come from?
we hold onto things in life,
just to get by.
we place our hope in sandcastles that the wind-of-truth inevitably blows away, or at least shakes really hard until we finally decide to start searching for some cement to build our home with and solid ground to lay that foundation on.
for me though, finding my own solid ground hasn’t meant achieving some idea of ‘perfection’ in my emotionality; rather it has meant an assured confidence in my understanding ; understanding of myself and the way i experience the world around me.
i am allowed to feel; however i feel in any given moment. it’s all valid and it is all my responsibility.
why is it hard to feel pain?
one thing that i have learned about the self is that feeling your life—the entire thing—can be hard. However, it is only through allowing our feelings to pass fully through us that we can come to new conclusions about ourselves and the world around us and ultimately creates more room within us to express and experience love. but in so many ways we run away from our emotions. scrolling on any social media outlet is a great example of that.
i can remember a time when i first moved to los angeles. i had been running from a certain feeling for a while, with busyness. it was as if this great big cloud was following me everywhere. it was filled with rain and it wanted me to feel it. i ran and i ran but it always stayed in eye view of my sprint. one day finally decided that i was just going to stop running and i was going to feel it. i lay in my bed one sunny day in los angeles, under my covers. i was afraid of what might happen if i felt that cloud, but i was feeling brave. my emotions bubbled to the surface. this is the moment when i would usually run but instead i stayed still. i laid still. in my cool bedroom of the fourth floor of my apartment building. my emotions rushed in and i cried, then i got really angry, then a subtle trembling came over me, i felt shame, it was very very painful. i was afraid but i didn’t move. and eventually it passed on. the cloud broke up and some light came in. i have never felt that way since. its been years.
my EP is named Phoenix
Phoenix is my exploration of what it would mean for me to be ‘okay’ on my own terms and by means of my own definition. In my search, i didn’t find that i simply lived with a smile on my face at all times. I found that hard emotions benefitted good emotions and that i had to discover healthier ways to allow my self to feel my painful feelings. they were signaling me to go deeper and in some instances they were signaling me to fight back, but either way my response always had to be proactive because time itself doesn’t solve anything.
the sounds are fun + retro + romantic but the words tell a deeper story.
a story about feeling your entire life
ps. I would love to hear your thoughts on feeling your entire life. Do you have a healthy relationship with pain? not according to anyone else’s standards but your own. sound off in the comments below ❤